Many years ago, I used to work out at a gym near my parents’ house in a fairly affluent neighborhood. There were some interesting characters there for sure, but the one I recall most vividly was an older Asian woman. This in itself isn’t particularly fascinating, but she wore the most dated leotards - think back to 1983 with women wearing shiny leggings underneath Chevron striped body suits and you’re warm. Remember the Olivia Newton-John video “Physical?” Basically that but with more patterns and neons. Let’s not forget the braided sweatband that she wore around her forehead to keep the mass of permed locks from draping into her perfectly made up face. She must have spent an hour contouring her eye shadow and applying bronzer and highlighter. Isn’t the point to sweat at the gym? And to not give a whit what people think what you look like in ratty yoga pants? I guess this woman confused the gym with a beauty pageant because she would mince around the floor in her Reebok Princess hi-tops as if she were crowned Ms. USA, preening her very slicked limbs. She must have coated herself with body oil every day because she was greasier than cheap slice of pepperoni pizza.

One evening, in a spinning class session, I watch her take position on the stationary bike. If you’ve ever been in a spinning class, you know that they’re taught by sadists who make you do godawful things like push ups while riding up an incline. This isn’t very fun, and it can’t be very easy, even for the fit. Well, take one overly greased up woman and put her on a stationary bike and guess what happens? She slides right off. Like whoosh: splat, she flies off her seat because she is more lubed up than a sex toy at a bachelorette party and lands on her ass about five feet away from the bike. That must have hurt.

Not to be outdone by Her Royal Greasiness, there was this rather fellow who would train with the free weights during the mid-afternoons whenever I went. He must have thought it was 1920 and he lived in a circus, because he dressed like a strong man. You know those dudes who wear vertically striped unitards and have waxed handlebar mustaches? If this guy could hold a black barbell with the words “50 lbs” painted across it in white, he would have. Perhaps he was just nostalgic, and I would have been OK with that, until he started counting out his reps.

“One. Two. Tree.”

Not “One. Two. Three” but “One. Two. Tree.” Between his get up and that accent, I couldn’t hold in my laughter and wound up dropping a 15lb free weight, missing my foot by inches.

Yeah, people at the gym are weird.

The second I opened the locker room door one day I heard someone playing harmonica, loudly and poorly. As I walked by, I noticed there was a crew of old dudes, all naked, standing around completely entranced while some other dude belted out what sounded like a bad version of every scene in every movie where a guy plays a sad harmonica song because he’s lonely or in prison or something. There was a teenager next to my locker, and when I got there, he looked at me all exasperated and said, “That kazoo is driving me fucking crazy.”

“Actually, it’s a harmonica,” I said, and he just looked at me like I was insane and walked away. When the old guy finished playing, everyone around him clapped, and a couple of them started talking about how it reminded them of Cool Hand Luke. I left and started thinking about eating a bunch of hard boiled eggs and how gross that would be after a certain point.

i used to workout after work and this same group of doods used to just powerlift (with horrible form) wearing timberland boots. a) there’s a sign that clearly says you need sneakers b) you are working out in boots and jeans. what is wrong with you. c) come in your underwear if you have to. that is a hell of a lot more comfortable than a nice shirt, nice jeans and like, brand new boots.

dannybrito:

Okay so this guy at my gym that lift weights honestly makes such a fuss for every single lift the entire time he’s there, me and my brother just stare at each other like what is going on. He doesn’t even lift heavy, he was doing shoulder shrugs in this video. It sounds like he’s getting it up the butt.

It’s a video but of my feet, i couldn’t get a sneak attack video because the weight lifting area is like a fun house full of fucking mirrors. I also couldn’t figure out how to get the video off of my phone (android something something) so ANYWAY, here’s a video of a video of my feet.

Do you go to the gym? Do you come across weirdos at the gym? Submit your stories, sneak attack photos, videos, or comics illustrating strange encounters you have while working on your fitness.